my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
