I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
