last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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