Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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