her vagine was all disorganized.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
