Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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