I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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