You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
