If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
