We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
