2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
