I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
