I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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