even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
