i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
