I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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