Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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