Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
