Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
