I think my vagina is haunted
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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