i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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