You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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