why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
