i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
