shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
