hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
