I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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