my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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