Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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