I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
