He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
