is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
