WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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