He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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