so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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