I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
