... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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