I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
