You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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