I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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