I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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