I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
