The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
