Can i not drive my cunt home
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
