Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
