The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Randomize
