so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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