She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
