I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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