Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
