Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We talked him into tasing himself.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
