why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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